So this is version two of this blog… I somehow managed to delete – never to be recovered- my first – and probably better one, when I hit the wrong button (note to self, always save as you go, and why the hell is there a delete draft option!!) … but any way, here we go!

In the last couple of weeks I have been reconnecting with friends that I had been largely (and for some very deliberately) distancing myself from and in some cases even avoiding altogether. During the course of my relationship, it became apparent that some of these friendships were a problem for my partner and so in order to prioritise him, I let them slide.

At the time it felt like the right (and not completely unreasonable) thing to do. I was doing what I thought was supposed to… compromising to make things work and figuring out how to carry some of that baggage that we all have in the relationship. It wasn’t until someone said to me the other day – it’s nice to have the real you back, that I gave any of it a whole lot of thought.

Hindsight and a whole lot of reflection since, have shown me how heavy some of those compromises now feel. I have always thought of myself as a pretty good friend, but feel like maybe I haven’t been in the last little while! Right now, not having to second guess conversations and motives is going back who I actually am, and I am feeling much lighter recognising myself again. I don’t have a single regret about that relationship – there was such a lot of really, really amazing stuff, and I certainly don’t want to be mean or negative about the person in any way, but coming back to feeling like myself again, is definitely something that feels good.

I absolutley feel like all of this relationship stuff is still new for me – and I do question whether it ever becomes normal, and how much energy I have to keep trying! With Claytie, I never any of this stuff to worry about. Neither of us had any baggage to carry so I was absolutely just me, just like he was truly himself too. We were so young when we met, and together for such a long time, it just wasn’t a thing. We grew up and evolved together and I guess that gave me a really lovely – if naive expectation of how it should be.

What I think I have learned – and let’s face it, everything is a lesson- is that compromise only works so far, and if you have to change yourself too much to make the pieces fit, then maybe, even with a whole lot of love there, it’s not for you. I have no regrets about any of the things that have happened since Claytie died – although there are definitely some fairly wild experiences that I am not ever going to repeat. What I am going to do is keep living the best life I can, keeping an open mind and having all kinds of adventures. I guess it’s all just part of the ‘it is what it is’ circle of life!