So last week felt like a very long week!… actually, this whole year has felt like a long one already! So many things feel like they are going through change and upheaval, both in my world and for people around me, at the moment and exhaustion seems to be just an everyday part of it all. It’s nice to think that it all means better things are coming, but it can be a hard slog getting through all the stuff before the good things come!

I do want to share a really huge proud parent moment, in what was otherwise a pretty average week! One of my boys who has been a bit of a lost soul lately, has just signed on to be an apprentice – his chosen is field plumbing! He has a mate that works for the same company, so he has been able to do some trial shifts before making the commitment. He is super keen – so much so that I was given a late night run down on the entire content of his brand new tool belt – and I am so happy for him! It’s nice to know that he is excited to be doing this and is back to feeling like he has a purpose!

The shitty and bitter part in all that, comes from Claytie not being here to also be proud! He would be beside himself and so excited for his son. He was always so much better at having faith that things would play out for the boys and that everything would work out for the best, and he would want to know and understand all the details. I try my best, but it’s just not the same… All my boy wanted after making his decision was to tell his dad… and of course that’s not possible in the way we would all love! It was a really sad moment for him, and hard for me too! The closest he could come was to send a message to someone that should have responded with pride and love, but who chose instead to raise an ongoing grievance instead… and that really broke my heart for the kid!

It’s really hard when big things happen – good or bad- and your person isn’t there to be part of it. That’s been the feeling again this week. When things are just plodding along, you can compartmentalise the grief in an easier way… but when the bigger things happen it’s just right there, back in your face, and it’s hard to be everything for everyone. I’m lucky (and I will keep saying it) to have a bunch of people in my world to help carry that load; and while I really really appreciate it and couldn’t do without it, none of that makes up for Claytie not being here.

It’s been nearly 5 years since that awful day, and while it might look from the outside like I am doing ok, the fear and anxiety are all right there still. I think I am maybe better at acknowledging when I’m feeling like this, and being mindful to let it happen, but it’s really really hard. – and I hate when the grief and loss hurt my kids and I can’t do a whole lot to help them through it other than to be there and tell the just how proud I am of them.

Life really is a rollercoaster, and it seems like just when you think you’ve got to a slower and more leisurely spot, another hill and dip are just around the corner. All any of us can do is just one day at a time and one step at a time. … or as Claytie would say: it just is what it is! I know for sure that there are some hugely exciting, good things coming our way, and until then I’ll just keep plodding!