I hope you all had a super happy Christmas with plenty of time to relax… along with the eating and the drinking!

I had a lovely time over the holidays, with a couple of big family events. My family do the German thing, and celebrate on Christmas Eve. This year was my turn (for the first time) to host 24 people for dinner. Luckily, I had lots of help for the cooking on the day, and with D helping me in the lead up to do all of the running around and setting up. It was a really lovely evening with all of the family (except for those traveling and having their own adventure). Ds kids were also part of the fun this year and it was super lovely to have them there…. the setting looked pretty amazing too! Christmas Eve is one of my favourite things, and I have so many beautiful memories from over the years.

On Christmas Day, I always do Brekky for my family… and it too was lovely! I go all out with Ham, eggs, massive fruit salad, waffles and home made baked beans (sooo yummy). The kids were all there as well as D and my parents, and it was fun and chaotic and all the things it’s supposed to be! The Squish was old enough this year to be quite into the whole thing, and a couple of new trucks as well as a swim with the uncles just made his day!

D and I then enjoyed a very quiet afternoon, with the boys all off celebrating more Christmas fun with their partners families. We swam and ate and napped, and enjoyed making highland Coos (a gift from Scotland)… it was bliss!

It’s a funny thing tho… because underneath all of the fun and happiness, is an under current of grief. Missing Claytie is something that is always there for me, but sometimes it just sits a bit heavier, and it’s hard. There is a real conflict with the happiness and sadness going hand in hand – seperate but also together. Talking about it is also hard.

I don’t want to take anything away from the lovely time that I had! D and I had a truly fabulous time, and Christmas this year was a happy one for me – but I was also desperately sad that Claytie wasn’t there. He would be so proud of his boys and the amazing people that they are. He would have loved every second of spending time with the Squish – playing with him and throwing him around in the pool. He would have been delighted that Christmas Eve featured his favourite hot German meal (the last couple of years have been salad), and I missed his snoring on the day bed, sleeping off the big Brekky on Christmas morning.

It’s a weird feeling being in a new relationship and missing so much of what I had. I am happy… really, really happy, but missing Claytie is always there as part of it, and it feels harder now to talk about. There is a feeling that because I am in a new relationship, that I should be ‘over’ missing Claytie. That the grief is somehow less or even gone, and that is not the case. It is just as big and heavy as it was (and I think it always will be) but it is walking side by side with the new happiness that I have.

I know from speaking with some of my widowed friends, that it is the same for them as well. Holidays and family events are hard. We are never going to not miss our person – and nor should we, that is how their memories live on, but each one of us is trying to move forward the best way we can, and to make a new life at the same time. None of it is easy, and there is no guidebook to tell us how to do it. It is just one day at a time; it is what it is!

PS… I hope that all of you have a wonderful new year, full of the most amazing moments and new memories, great people, more highs than lows, and so much love! Thanks for being in my world x