So this week had a huge wobble for me – one of those things that just comes out of the blue and shoves you in the chest – hard! Early in the week, I came home from work to find a letter addressed to the estate of Clayton James. It floored me and absolutely resulted in tears. It was so entirely unexpected four years in, that it took a minute to properly register what I was looking at, and it was a whole lot of feelings all at once – shock, sadness, anger, worry, confusion….

I actually still occasionally get things addressed to Claytie (not his estate) – usually junk mail, or invitations to buy tickets in whichever charity is wanting him to win a house. I don’t mind getting them – they remind me of him and make me smile. He loved getting junk mail catalogues in the letter box – in fact he would get cross with me if I got rid of them while he was working away. He even subscribed to getting them on his phone and would call me to let me know which supermarket had the best specials for the week, but nothing was better than a huge pile for him to go through while sitting on the deck at home – cigarette in hand and Iced coffee close by. We sent him off with about a weeks’ worth in his coffin! – Junk mail is fine – It makes me smile!

This was a whole other thing. I thought that we were finished with “estate” stuff; the frustration of dealing with people who have no idea about bereavement. People who start the conversation with a gentle “I’m sorry for your loss” and finish it with a chirpy “have a great day”! People who don’t realise (and understandably I guess) just how hard it is to confirm those dates, and that you are in fact the executor of the estate and the person that is responsible for any decisions that have to be made. It is awful and it made me cry! It took me right back to the very early days after Claytie died, and stirred up a whole lot of things that I try hard not to think about. It is also exhausting because it makes sleep so much harder again and that then carries over into the next few days.

In the end, the whole thing was about at straight forward as it could have been (I’ve certainly had worse!) and a win for me – a refund on an insurance policy that will get paid out in the next few days. I’m not sure why it took 4 years to happen – the joys of corporate bureaucracy I guess!? The tears are always going to happen for me – that’s just who I am, but I am choosing to look at the whole thing as a hello from Claytie – and as my mum pointed out, maybe a contribution for my next holiday!