This week I wanted to talk about this blog and what it means to me. When I first started writing, my plan was to tell a bunch of funny stories about my foray into the dating world. I wanted it to be kind of light hearted and maybe funny. I think I did that for a few of them and then it kind of evolved into a way for me to talk about Claytie and what I was feeling; my grief and moving forward, and the things that were happening in my world. Since the first few posts, I haven’t really had too much of a plan… it really is just the things that are at the top of my mind when I sit down to write and the stuff that is happening in my world.

I’m sure that for some people, it can be a bit confusing… one minute I’m desperately sad and talking all things grief, and then the next I’m having a fabulous time doing all kinds of stuff with my friends and with my new person. Trust me when I tell you that that is exactly how it is in my brain too!! Claytie is part of every single thing I do – and I can’t imagine that will ever change. We met when I was 17. We were together for 28 years, and married for 25 of those before he died. We have 4 amazing boys together. That is not something I can or ever want to switch off… but it doesn’t mean that I can’t or don’t want to have a new life with my new person as well.

I’m incredibly lucky to have met a fabulous person that has brought so much back into my life that I thought I would never have again. He is exactly the person I want in my world now. We can, and have done big things together, but we also really enjoy the ‘nothing’ things, the lazy weekend doing chores around the house stuff that is part of life. The stuff that is everyday and that you really miss when it’s gone.

For me in my brain, these two parts of my life kind of run parallel to each other, my love and grief for Claytie and the love I have now – and neither takes away from the other. They are completely seperate relationships and feelings. They can’t and shouldn’t be compared in any way because that wouldn’t be fair to either one. I find the difference pretty clear in my mind but I zig zag like a crazy person between the two. Happy and sad go hand in hand for me now, and I don’t think that will change anytime soon. Obviously I am who I am now because of Claytie and the life that we had. I will never not be sad that that life is over, but it doesn’t mean that my new person isn’t getting 100% of what I have left to give.

I have no idea if what I’m doing is right or wrong – there isn’t really a right or a wrong. All I can do is to keep being true to myself, and letting myself feel what I need to and when I need to; and that means (for now at least) this blog will continue on the rollercoaster with me. I don’t know any other way to do it; I guess it really just is what it is x