This week I went to a widow support group catch up – the first one I have been to for a couple of months, and it was really nice… I know that sounds like an odd choice of word for a widow support group, but it is always a good thing to go to, and I get a whole lot from it! It’s kind of a way for me to calibrate my feelings – to get the reassurance that I need, that I am ok and that what I am feeling is ok.

It’s always interesting to see where the conversation goes, all kinds of things get talked about, but often there seems to be a common theme that runs through the various chats. This time, the topic of clothes and belongings seemed to be a big thing – specifically what to do with them and when! I have been really lucky… it’s not something I have had to (or wanted to) look at yet. Clayties things are kind of just there and not a worry for me, but for others in the conversation it has been a much bigger thing.

One of the people – new to the group, was asking about ‘when is the right time to do it’… and overwhelmingly the response was ‘when you are ready!’. One person said that for them it was something they needed to do almost immediately after the death of their person – within the week! For others it was a couple of months later. Some had to do it much sooner than they were ready for due to having to move out of their space. There was also a common thread a feeling that by giving or throwing away items belonging to their person, they were disposing their person and their memory. That they were somehow ‘getting rid of more of their person’ than their death has done.

It’s a weird feeling, and a much weirder thing to try and explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it for themselves. Random objects and things almost become the person, and that keeping them is a sort of denial of their death. If a toothbrush is still in the bathroom, or a shirt stays crumpled on a chair, they might somehow come back to claim them. We all know that it’s not real, but there is a comfort in the illusion.

For me, Clayties clothes are in a cupboard that I don’t need for anything else right now. The boys and I have all gone through (and still do quite often) and pulled out the things that we all wanted for ourselves. I have a pile of his tshirts that I sleep in, the boys have all chosen the things that they have wanted to keep, and the rest of the things are neatly folded, just like before.

Every so often I check in with the boys to see if they are ready to donate the stuff, but at this stage no one has wanted to do that, so we haven’t. I’m lucky to have the luxury of time… I don’t have to move and I don’t need the space for anything else, so for now we will leave things as they are. I am sure that when the time does come, it will be hard! So many memories that feature some of his favourite clothes. Occasions that they were worn at, or holidays that they were bought at… or just the ridiculousness of the 100 shirts that came from Kmart because they were marked down (he did love a bargain!).

The biggest thing I have learned from other widows, and that is reinforced every time I go to a support group, is that there is no right or wrong with grief… it is just whatever is right or wrong for you!