I have been a bit slack this week – I am late with the blog! Even though I have not been super busy, somehow the time has just got away from me! I have noticed that since Claytie died, that kind of stuff seems to happen more and more often…. I will sit down with a whole list of things that I need to do, and then somehow several hours have passed and I have not managed to do any of them! I seem to have become very skilled at procrastination, and it is incredibly frustrating. I’m pretty sure at the moment it ties in with post holiday blues, but I also think a lot of it is to do with my grief.

“Grief is the natural reaction of profound sadness that arises from loss – Grief fatigue is the emotional or physical reaction that comes with grief. Scientists have worked out that emotional pain activates the same kinds of triggers in the human brain as physical pain, and therefore it is common that people dealing with significant loss will feel ongoing exhaustion and lethargy. Changes in sleep patterns, appetite and other disruptions caused by grief will often lead to ongoing fatigue, and people who are grieving also tend to develop vulnerable immune systems, making them much more susceptible to ongoing illnesses”…. Taken from a variety of sources online in the ‘Dr Google’ search for answers!

I have spoken to a lot of people within the widows support group who have all experienced a whole lot of these things, and while it is nice to know that I am not alone in feeling like this, I feel frustrated that I cant seem to shake it! To be fair, I am not all bad all the time, but I do find myself noticing it more now than I did in the early days after Claytie died. I also feel like it is really, really hard to look too far into the future, and to plan “real” things. I am happy to say that it has become much easier to imagine and plan grand trips and holidays – especially after just coming home from one, but some of the day to day stuff is still really vague. I know that is a trauma response – We had so many plans for the future that died with Claytie, and it is hard to look ahead knowing that things can change in a heartbeat, but at what point does that change and get easier to do?

These days it is like I have a limited amount of energy, and most days it gets used up getting through the day. I probably shouldn’t beat myself up over the ‘brain is switched off’ times, and just be more organised for when I do have the energy!! Anyway, that’s where I’m at today… tomorrow will probably be a whole other story, and the weekend will be another adventure! I guess this is just all part of the rollercoaster… or in the words of one of my favourite people – it is what it is!