Today is Clayties birthday. He would be 51 years old, but his numbers stopped at 46… 2 weeks before his next birthday. It still doesn’t feel real!

Tonight we are going to celebrate the person we love – Clayton Thomas James. The kids and my parents will be here to eat pizza and to remember the fabulous man that we all adored. It will be chaotic and loud, and it will be just right. I know there will be tears today – they are for the ‘should have been’ never, ever for the ‘what was’.

I was looking at my Facebook memories the other day (how good is that feature!?). The photos I looked at were of his last birthday. We celebrated with Brekky and a cake at his sisters house. His parents were there and so were the kids. It was a bit of a tradition for the last few years. Clayties niece was born just a couple of days before his 40th birthday, and they always shared a cake – the big number(46) for him, and the little one (6) for her.

The photo made me cry! So many things have changed since that day, and it hurts. Claytie is obviously the main and central figure that is missing, but there are now so many other losses around him, that are so hard to comprehend.

I try hard to turn it around in my head and remember the good times that we had. Mostly I manage to do that…. We were so lucky to have what we did – the relationships, the fun and the love, and I will never not be grateful for it!

I will always miss the life that I had. I miss Claytie more than I can say, but I know that the best gift I can give to him, is to live life for both of us. To honour his memory the best way I know how. – ‘It is what it is’ and there is nothing else I can do