Today is my 29th Wedding anniversary and my 4th since Claytie died. We had our last one together, celebrating 25 years, just two weeks before he died. It was such a happy milestone – in fact that last twelve months leading up to his death were amazing, and I am so glad to have those happy memories! I have to say tho, the build up to today (and the rest of the big dates still coming) has been particularly hard this year.

For some reason, I had thought that while it might not get easier this far down the track, that it wouldn’t be quite as difficult! But it has been nasty! I feel a bit surprised by just how hard it has been. There are so many lovely things happening in my world and I feel like I should be ‘better’ at this by now, but the contrast between the happy and moving forward versus the darkness of missing Claytie and going further and further from when I last saw him is kind of overwhelming.

This time of year also brings with it the remembering of the last day and how truly horrific it was. Consciously, I don’t let myself go there. It is too awful and I would so much rather remember every single moment before that day. My subconscious doesn’t always play as nicely tho, and it makes sure I remember it in very vivid detail. The colours, the sounds, the way my brain separated itself into two parts – the practical take charge person, and then the terrified woman losing her husband.

There is also so much second guessing about how I am living my life. The fight between logic and feelings. The pressure and expectations I put on myself. The judgement – whether perceived or real – from the people around me. The secondary losses that have happened and the fall out from them.

The lead up to July has been exhausting. I’m always amazed at how physically hard grief can be! I know that I haven’t helped myself a whole lot, staying super busy to try and avoid feeling it. The thing with grief is that it doesn’t let you run away! You have to feel it. You have to acknowledge and sit with it… it is shit!

I feel like my anniversary is my own day to grieve, and the day Claytie died is the shared one with the boys. I have found that out of the three big dates (wedding anniversary, Clayties anniversary and his birthday, all within a 6 week block) this one for me is the hardest. We had such a lovely life together, and if I could, I would do it all again. I’m so grateful to have had the fairy tale with him that I did, and the sadness that it is over is not one that has or will ever change.

So today, although not quite the way I had planned it, I will sit and remember my husband and the amazing life we made together. I am so lucky to have had him for as long as I did, and I will love him forever.