This week has had me feeling a bit overwhelmed. Mostly it’s my own doing… I’m packing a whole lot of stuff into every spare minute. I’m loving everything that I’m doing, and I don’t not want to do it… but I need to give myself some time out to feel the things I need to feel. July is a whole lot of big dates for me, and I need to sit with them for a bit… but they hurt, and I don’t want to, and that is grief!

I started this thing after Claytie died, of getting myself an anniversary present each year. Up until now it has been a new bangle to wear, but this year I wanted a stacking ring. I found a couple of lovely ones, but would have to special order one to fit the finger I want it for. That’s not how I buy things… I figure if I can’t have it today, then that one is not for me. Today was not my day!

In the process of shopping tho, I was having a conversation with the sales person and told her why I was looking to buy. I teared up telling her my story… and then we cried together as she told me hers! Her person also died 4 years ago after a battle with mental health. It seems the plan for today was to meet and connect with her rather than to buy myself something pretty!

The whole thing has left me feeling a little bit flat, and the gloomy sky today isn’t helping. Moods like this make me really introspective and I’m also starting to get nervous about my trip! It is just over a month until D and I head off on our adventure, and I’m super excited for it! Travel has always been high on the list of things I want to do; and while this is not the first trip I’ve taken since Claytie died, it feels pretty significant.

It’s a big trip, it will be 5 weeks away from home and I will be travelling with my new partner. Part of this trip will be going back to Germany which is the last place Claytie and I travelled together, and that feels emotional and really big. I know I am going to have an amazing time… we have so many fabulous things planned for it and it’s going to be an amazing adventure… but I am nervous and anxious about it too.

In so many ways, it’s another first – and all of the firsts are hard. I’m trying to be kind with myself and just roll with what ever emotions happen, but at the same time that feels hard too. This is another one of those ‘split personality’ parts of grief, and it’s not nice.

Anyway, as the big man always said, ‘it is what it is’, so I am going to go just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’ll sit with the sad and I’ll enjoy the happy, cause that’s all any of us can do x

Ps- I can’t believe this is number 145 of this blog! It has definitely been a journey! Thank you all for coming along for the ride x