This weekend I went to a friend’s daughter’s baby shower. This is a friend that I made through the widows support group, and have become close to in the last 3 1/2 years. This baby will be her first grand child and she is as excited as you would expect her to be! I’m so happy for her and her family, I know first hand now how amazing the upgrade to Grandma has been… I also know how hard all of this is for her.

We spent a beautiful afternoon celebrating new life, and the widow aunties were there in full force. As part of the celebration, the proud new parents announced babies name – and at that point my friend (who had been holding it together so well) lost it and started to cry. Celebrating these kind of milestones without your person is really really hard! You feel very alone in the crowd thinking of all the things that should have been, and that you wish more than anything still were.

One of the biggest things for my friend was that her person was devastated at missing out on being a grandad. It was something they spoke about in the time before he died, and knowing that he’s not here for it is absolutely heartbreaking for her.

I had, and still do often, those same feelings. Claytie and I didn’t ever really have those conversations… we were supposed to have so much more time! He was such a huge fan of babies and small people and I know that he would have adored being Grandad to the Squish.

Every time I spend time with the Squish, especially at this age (18months) it’s bittersweet. I wish so much that Claytie was part of it all, he would be absolutely in his element! Watching this little human learning the world is such a fun thing, and I can just imagine how Claytie would be with him. I’m sad that Squish will never know how amazing his Grandad was, and I know that those are the same thoughts my friend is having right now.

I know my friend will be the best Grandma and I know that the heartbreak moments will keep happening in between the absolute joy that this baby will bring. This is the hard stuff that you kind of know about grief, but don’t really realise until you’re in the middle of it. The ‘life moves on’ bits and ‘firsts’ that you don’t want to acknowledge because it makes the devastating more real. But that’s just how life works… it is what it is; and I know that like me, she’s going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and do her best to enjoy every minute… because we know just how fast they can go.