This weekend I have attended my third Camp Widow. I have written about it before. It is a conference for widowed people by widowed people, and it has been incredibly helpful for me. This year I was also one of the presenters. My friend Jodi (J) and I (R) combined our ‘talents’ with a presentation called ‘It is what it is… and how to navigate that’. For those that are interested (and have some time) these are the things we talked about…
MINDSET
R) Grief is one of the most painful mindsets that we endure in life. It is emotional pain with no timeline or expiration date. We all experience it in our own way.
J) So the first thing we are talking about is how choosing our mindset can help us with moving forward at a time in our life where we may feel that we have little control over the circumstances of how we’ve ended up being widowed.
R) For me, I made a choice – very early on, that I did not want to be a sad and miserable person for the rest of my potentially long life ( I come from people who live into their 90’s). The Day after Claytie died, this was a conversation I had with my mum. We had a bit of a chat around the topic and then moved on to other stuff, and with so many things in the early part of my grief it left the front of my brain for a while. But after the funeral, when things became quieter and the rest of the world went back to turning, it came back. I realised that we all have a choice about how we approach each day. We get to choose our mindset. We get to turn our moods in whichever direction we choose, and that is a powerful thing. For me it was a realisation that I could take back some control over each day. That makes it sound easy…. It wasn’t, and it still isn’t, but it is what I keep coming back to when I have a setback.
J)The greatest gift Chris gave me was making me promise that I would continue on in this life, find joy, find love and live to the fullest as he was not going to have that opportunity. The greatest way I can celebrate my husband’s life now, is not to squander mine.
R) We have had something truly awful happen in our lives, It would be foolish to think that we can snap our fingers and things will be better. That isn’t how it works! But it would also be really easy to keep a ‘victim’ mindset. To stay in a fixed place of self-pity“why did this have to happen to me” and to choosethe sadness that we feel and to let it define us. That, for me, creates self-imposed barriers and limits personal growth – it is also the complete opposite to what my person would want for me …. And trust me when I say, his voice is very, very clear to me on this.
J) Growing up as the child of a widow, observing and experiencing my Mums grief alongside her, I made conscious decisions about what I might do differently if I found myself in the same position. I watched her drown in a very unhealthy mindset that saw her wastemany years in a self-imposed mind prison
R) In contrast, by choosing a more positive growth mindset we can embrace the challenges that life throws at us. When we choose to believe that accepting the challenges and finding a way through them we are empowered to become the best version of ourselves. For me, I also spend a lot of time considering how my mindset impacts my boys. I feel a huge responsibility to ‘show’ them that I am OK and that they are Ok… and that we will be Ok. They will let me wallow for a little while, and then the day-to-day stuff of life comes back in, and I have to keep going, and so do they!
None of that is saying that you can’t be sad and feel awful about what has happened. Absolutely you need to feel the emotions around your loss…Sit with them and acknowledge the hard stuff, and then choose how you are going to respond, because that is where your power lies.
J)Choosing to have a positive, growth mindset does not mean we are not grieving, and we will not have shitty, sad days crying/screaming in the shower, huddled under a blanket. It means we choose not to make that place home, it’s a mini vacation.
It is important to sit and feel your grief and pain, that is how we start to heal and grow again
How do we set ourselves up to choose a healthy mindset?
• Surround ourselves with like-minded people, gain connection and support which is exactly what we are all doing here at Camp Widow
• Embrace healthy practices to experience our grief and life side by side. Counselling can be an important part of learning to process your thoughts and emotions more effectively.
• Find holistic ways to support yourself including Mindfulness & Meditation, Nutritious Diet, Regular Exercise, Quality Sleep, Natural and/or Alternative Therapies
R)So what can that look like… For me it has been gratitude.
GRATITUDE
Gratitude is the act of recognizing and acknowledging the good things that happen, resulting in a state of appreciation. (Sansone & Sansone 2010)
Gratitude brings to mind all kinds of warm and fuzzy feelings. It can come across as extremely cliched and sometimes really hard to put into practice – we all know the kind of shit that life can throw at us, but scientifically speaking practicing gratitude has all kinds of benefits.
Studies have found that people who express gratitude more often, have stronger immune systems and better physical health, are more resilient in difficult times and experience more joy and contentment in life.
J)When we practice gratitude, our thoughts shift away from negative emotions and uncomfortablesensations, instead we start focusing on the good things that we may have been overlooking.
This kind of thinking can lead to a release of serotonin and dopamine chemicals in the brain associated with happiness and pleasure.
Acknowledging gratitude also decreases our stress hormones, the short-term result is a reduction in anxiety and an improvement in mood, in the long term regularly practicing gratitude may also lead to lasting changes in your brain priming you to be more grateful moving forward.
It’s not a magic bullet but as part of a broader way of getting through what we’re going through.
Approaching our life with more gratitude can do more than just improve our mood, it has cascading benefits in other areas of our life such as better sleep. There’s some research that actually links increased gratitude with higher quality sleep and fewer sleep disturbances and I don’t know about you guys but if Iget a better nights sleep it makes facing everything else so much better.
R) Often when we consider what we are grateful for the big things come to mind – family, friends, having a home to live in and food on the table. It is important to recognize and acknowledge these things, but it is equally important to dive a little bit deeper. Think about the simple pleasures in your day – a nice cup of tea, a good book to read, a laugh with a friend. Whatever your simple pleasures might be, consciously expressing our gratitude for them can help to grow our gratitude practice beyond the surface level. Living your life with gratitude helps you to notice the little wins, that then string together and create a web of wellbeing and highlighting the big things.
So how can you cultivate a sense of gratitude?
It just takes a little bit of practice – a case of fake it,til you make it….The more you can bring your attention to things that you are grateful for, the more things you will find to be grateful for. One really great way is to start a daily gratitude practice. That can take many forms – from jotting down three things you’re thankful for – and you can do that daily or weekly. It can look like journaling each day, or just acknowledging people who have been kind to you. It doesn’t matter what it looks like, incorporating gratitude into each day can profoundly change how you relate to the world around you.
JOURNALING
J) Writing about stressful and traumatic events can significantly benefit our physical and emotional health.
In fact, studies show that time spent journaling about our deepest thoughts and feelings can even reduce the number of sick days we take off work (Sohal, Singh, Dhillon & Gill, 2022).
Research suggests that journaling can help us accept rather than judge our mental experiences, resulting in fewer negative emotions in response to stressors (Ford, Lam, John, & Mauss, 2018; Baikie & Wilhelm, 2005).
Reduces Stress
Numerous studies have shown that journaling can reduce peoples overall levels of depression and anxiety. How does this work? Both of these symptoms are often accompanied by negative thoughts. Journaling allows you to get these thoughts down on paper, process them in a more analytical way and respond appropriately to them. Writing helps us to focus and organise our experiences.
Improves Immune Function.
This may come as a surprise, but journaling has also been proven to improve overall immune function and decrease your risk of illness. As researchers Karen A. Baikie and Kay Wilhelm report, those who journaled for 20 minutes per day on 3-5 occasions saw the following benefits:
• Fewer stress-related visits to the doctor
• Improved immune system functioning
• Reduced blood pressure
• Improved lung function
• Improved liver function
How can the simple act of journaling improve your health?
Journaling allows a person to develop what’s called a “coherent narrative” of their life. In other words, it enables a person to take the events they experience and integrate them into their overall perspective on life.
This, in turn, enables a person to think more positively about their life and create a holistic picture of themselves in relation to the rest of the world. It follows that a person with a positive, holistic view of themselves is less prone to things like depression and anxiety, both of which can cause a variety of physical health problems.
Keeps Memory Sharp.
Journaling helps keep your brain in tip-top shape. Not only does it boost memory and comprehension, it also increases working memory capacity, which may reflect improved cognitive processing. When you journal, you are both recording and processing the events of a particular time period. As you do this, you are remembering and reflecting upon the details of the events, which then helps you retain those memories for a significantly longer amount of time.
Strengthens Emotional Functions. Related to mood is how journaling benefits overall emotional health: As journaling habits are developed, benefits become long-term, meaning that we become more in tune with their health by connecting with inner needs and desires. Journaling evokes mindfulness and helps writers remain present while keeping perspective. It presents an opportunity for emotional catharsis and helps the brain regulate emotions. It provides a greater sense of confidence and self-identity. Journaling can help in the management of personal adversity and change, and emphasize important patterns and growth in life. Research even shows that expressive writing can help individuals develop more structured, adaptive, and integrated schemes about themselves, others, and the world. What’s more, journaling unlocks and engages right-brained creativity, which gives you access to your full brainpower. Truly, journaling fosters growth.
R) I began my journaling after Claytie died. He worked away for the last 5 years, and at the end of each day we would call and talk about our day, the kids, work and all of the other things that happen day to day. When he died, the silence of not having those phone calls was too much for me. I couldn’t sleep without those conversations, so I started to write them out in a journal. Each night before I go to sleep I write to him about my day. I tell him about the kids, what kind of day I have had, what I cooked for dinner…. None of it is particularly profound, and I’m sure that when my kids go through my stuff after I die they will roll their eyes pretty hard at it, but for me it has been something that has made my grief better. I can vent in as much detail as I like about my feelings and it clears it out of my head. Sometimes it is a love letter, and sometimes it is hate mail… either way, It means that I can finish each day with a clean slate, ready to start the next day fresh and with a new mindset.
J) Keeping a journal helps you create order when your world feels like it’s in chaos. You get to know yourself by revealing your most private fears, thoughts, and feelings. Look at your writing time as personal relaxation time. It’s a time when you can de-stress and wind down. Write in a place that’s relaxing and soothing, maybe with a cup of tea. Look forward to your journaling time. And know that you’re doing something good for your mind and body.
GRACE
R) We all know that grief isn’t linear and you can have a whole bunch of good or bad days, and then flip the other way.
If your struggling with anxiety or depression (and I think most of us in this room know exactly what that feels like!) it is really important to not blame yourself for those feelings.
Acknowledge them, sit with them for a bit if you have to, and then let yourself find some kindness and let it go. Try not to stay in that dark place for too long, make it a visit not a permanent move.
Treat yourself the way that you would treat someone you love – you deserve the same kindness and understanding that you would give someone else. The more you are able to do this, the better you will become at it, and research has shown that practicing self-compassion can lower your levels of anxiety and depression and helps to improve your relationships and overall wellbeing.
It is really important that we try to be kind and graceful with ourselves around guilt that comes with being alive – the duality of grief and life that happens every day. How one minute you a sobbing basket case on the floor, and then then next laughing with someone about something stupid. How you can be out having a nice time with a friend, and then come home and feel guilty and desperately sad that your person is gone and you are alive. Believe it or not, that is actually quite healthy and very, very normal.
People who are a whole lot smarter than me have done a whole lot of research into this, and the theory involves ‘loss oriented’ and ‘restoration oriented’ grief. Then you get the oscillation between the two sides, and experts believe that it is important to embrace both as part of the process – it helps to tackle the reality of your loss and grief bit by bit.
– It is kind of self-explanatory… Loss oriented grief is triggered by memories of the person that died. You are filled with sadness remembering the good times, looking at photos, doing things that remind you of your person. Loss oriented grief brings up sadness, anger, and loneliness – it is the really hard part of grief, and it will be something that stays with you. It is important to let yourself feel it when it comes; it is valid and real. Restoration oriented grief is also exactly what it sounds like. It is doing things that distract you from your grief so that you can get on with the day to day things that need to happen for life to go on. It is a case of repressing just enough of the hard emotions so that you can function the way you need to in your world and restore some “normal’ – and it is super important to let yourself have those times too. They will happen more and more easily as you move away from the hardest day that you have had, and that is as it should be too.
MOVING FORWARD
J) Seasonal grief is when the changing seasons remind us of or reinforce the significance of our loss. Let’s talk about this in three ways.
1. The seasons are a tangible marker of the passage of time.
Any time there is a tangible marker of the passage of time, like a birthday, a holiday, or an anniversary, we are made aware of time itself. And time can be a tricky thing for grievers. It reminds us of how long it has been since our loss. You may have the thought, “Wow, it’s been six months since I’ve seen him now.” Or maybe it seems like a very long time, but your loss was only three months ago, which may feel discouraging.
Tangible markers in time can also cause us to question our healing process. “Six months have passed; shouldn’t I feel better by now?” “I was hoping that I’d feel stronger by spring after the winter holidays.”
Time itself doesn’t do anything to help us heal. But when we are forced to confront how much time has passed, that can create thoughts for us about how our grief process is going and reminders about how long we have been grieving.
2. We may have memories and traditions connected to the seasons.
People tend to have traditions and memories connected to the seasons, so revisiting those memories or participating in those traditions after we’ve experienced loss can be painful reminders that things have changed.
3. The seasons themselves can be reminders of the cycle of life.
Nature is a great teacher. So, it makes sense that the cycles of life and death in nature remind us of the same cycle in our own lives.
Seasonal Affective Disorder is depression that appears most often in autumn and winter when our exposure to daylight is much less. This very real phenomenon can make life very difficult for people in these months. Grieving may be exacerbated by Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Often the pain of loss can feel overwhelming… especially in the early days!
We have all been there… shock, anger, disbelief, guilt and just profound sadness . It is possible that you have experienced disruptions to your physical health – not sleeping, or sleeping too much; not eating or eating too much… grief brain – where nothing seems to stay in your mind and it is almost impossible to functions properly…. All very normal things to happen. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no timeline to feeling better. Healing happens gradually and at your own pace, but eventually you do start to have more and more “clear” days.
R) When we speak about moving on/ forward we are not in any way suggesting that you have or are going to forget about your person – that would be impossible! – what it means is that you have accepted your loss and are coming to terms with its reality. You are figuring out what this new world looks like. You’ll still have bad days – I don’t think they ever fully go away, but you’ll recognise when they are coming. I like to say that your grief doesn’t get better – you just get better at it.
The other thing that comes with grief and moving forward that I have found, can be changes within other relationships. For me, I feel as though I have lost a whole lot of my “before” friends, and my relationship with my In-laws also changed – especially when I started dating! Depending on where you are in your grief process will depend on how you manage these changes too…. Early on in the process there are a whole lot of hurt feelings, but it seems like as you find your feet and time passes you are more able to put boundaries in place and work out which relationships to fight for, and which ones have run their course.
For some people, moving forward looks like travelling and doing all other things that you had planned before your person died. For others it looks like making new friends, volunteering, changing jobs (or getting one for the first time). Some people chose to change their surroundings, and for others it is re-partnering. Some of us chose to do all of these, and others none… or yours might look like a combination! I have found it incredibly helpful talking to people in this group who are further along since their person died – it’s a reassurance that things will be ok and that life keeps going and will get better again.
J) One of the most important things I have learnt over the past 3.5 years is that the death of your partner does require you to reinvent yourself. I remember so clearly at the first Camp Widow here in Australia, Michele Neff Hernandez, Camp Widows founder, said that the person you were, died when your partnerdied….I’ve never heard a truer statement. Not only have you lost your partner, you have also lost yourself. It’s the shitty opposite side of the coin that’s been spun. The only way to be able to effectively move forward into this new life is to acknowledge that you can’t continue to only be the wife/husband/partner of your person….to be the other half of that whole. Because now you are the whole, so when you are ready, you need to be willing to accept that change.
R) It seems there is a big expectation that moving forward means finding a new love -Not everyone is going to want to re-partner – and that is fine! Some people will choose to dive into that stuff super quickly, and for others it takes much longer… and again, there is no right or wrong! If you chose to look for someone new to spend time with, it is up to you and no one else – just make sure you protect yourself – you assets and your family ( I have every intention of getting legal paperwork signed to protect the assets that I have for my kids future. It is what Claytie and I worked for together; and I have been careful about introducing someone new to my kids – even though they are all adults now) We have all heard the stories about widows being taken advantage of, but the right person won’t have a problem with you putting some safeguards in place. My advice is have fun, be safe and make sure that if you are going out on a wild date, let someone know! Look after yourself and choose the things that make you happy because unless someone has lived your life and walked in your shoes they have no right to judge!
BOUNDARIES
R) When relationships change (or new ones start), It can be really hard setting boundaries and saying yes or no to things that would have had a different response before your person died, but it is really important to do that for your own mental health.
Boundaries are specific limits and needs that you define to create a healthy space between you and another person. They allow you to feel healthy, safe and comfortable. They are likely to vary from person to person, and they are also likely to change with time – as your wants and needs change with time. Boundaries protect us from giving away pieces of ourselves – or receiving pieces from someone else that we are not comfortable with. They create the space we need to keep us healthy by protecting things like our time, energy, space, emotions, finances, health etc.
I found for myself there has been a whole lot of introspection and second guessing, but for the most part I am at peace with it. – Especially the stuff around re-partnering and moving forward with that relationship. The first time I told my in-laws that I was seeing someone it changed my relationship with them to a point where we now no longer speak. I am really sad about that – we were family for 33 years, But I will not let them dictate what my widow life should look like. I have been very clear with my boundaries. I understand their grief, but I am not letting their notion of widowhood change the things that feel right for me.
SEEKING HAPPINESS
R) For me, happiness is absolutely a choice – and it is one that I make everyday! Choosing to be happy does not mean that I am not sad about my person, or that I am “done with grief” – it comes back to choosing which mindset is best for me. It means for me that I am doing my very best to live a life that works for me and also honours my husband; and as I said earlier, it also shows my kids that there is a whole lot of good in my life.
J) I had the privilege of having discussions with my husband around his expectations of me after his death, and they were almost all exclusively about me being happy. Yes seriously, my beautiful husband in the last weeks of his life wanted me to be focused on actively seeking happiness in my life again after he had died. We had lived our life together filled with a lot of love, joy, crazy dark humour and sarcasm and I was instructed and made to promise that I would be happy and find love again.
It would be the greatest disservice to his memory to disregard this, his greatest gift to me.
In reading a lot about seeking happiness, why we should, and how to do it ,I read some really interesting studies… this is my favourite one…..Smiling stimulates our brain’s reward mechanisms in a way that even chocolate, a well-regarded pleasure-inducer, cannot match. In a study conducted in the UK (using an electromagnetic brain scan machine and heart-rate monitor to create “mood-boosting values” for various stimuli), British researchers found that one smile can provide the same level of brain stimulation as up to 2,000 chocolate bars;
R) For some people it can take a long time to get to a stage that involves hope, looking forward and a willingness to be happy again – it is a choice that we get to make! We have to get to a place of understanding that it is possible to be happy again without “dishonouring’ our person, and sometimes that means looking at things in a new way – and lets face it – life now is all new!
For me it has been important to recognise the happy times when they have come, as well as seeking them out. This group and the catch ups have been super important for me with that, and I am really grateful to have found First Light.
Life after loss is not an easy experience to endure, and while things will never be the same “different” can be happy too!
MEDITATION
R) I have found meditation to be a fantastic way to help me with my grief process, and all of the things we have talked about. It refers to a set of techniques to enhance attention, emotional awareness, kindness, compassion and mental calmness even in really difficult situations. It is also great for calming down your sympathetic nervous system.
Research has shown that regular meditation will help to
*reduce stress
*Improve memory
*increase attention
*enhance willpower
*help with better sleep
*lower blood pressure
*reduce anxiety
*lessen depression
There are a whole bunch of different ways to meditate, but starting with a simple practice works best. Sit in a clam space and close your eyes. Set a timer. Feel your body and focus your attention on your breathing, and notice when your mind wanders (which it will).
Taking that time to sit in stillness has been hugely helpful for me and my anxiety. I even do it at work sometimes at my desk.
J) I’d love to introduce you to Yogi Bryan.
Some of you may have come across his work beforeand I’ve listed all of his socials up there if you want to investigate more about him. I think one of the things about Yogi Bryan that really appealed to both Robbie and myself is the fact that this man is incredibly real and incredibly raw with how he delivers his meditations.
Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights 