So this week has been a big week with, what I think is a significant milestone. I turned 50! It’s been a weird thing… obviously I knew it was coming, but it is still somehow surprising!

There was a whole lot of reflecting for me in the lead up to the day. Thinking about how different this all looks compared to the thoughts I had at my last big birthday 10 years ago. There was also a whole lot of what my mum calls ‘magical thinking’… all the wishes and would-bees, missing Claytie and feeling the unfairness that I get to do this and he doesn’t.

There is such a duality with all of it. The excitement of planning a party and catching up with so many fabulous people. Feeling incredibly lucky and spoilt and loved… right alongside a feeling of being short changed. I know that Claytie is gone, I know that he isn’t coming back… I have accepted that and I’m doing by best to grab happiness when it comes my way, but the sadness is always there, right along with the happy and the excited.

I didn’t let myself think about it too much in the planning over the last couple of months, but on about Wednesday it hit hard. In lots of ways I’m happy about it, it meant that I got to process it away from the big day. I guess I know that feeling sad is part of it all, and that I should expect it – I know I will have those days again… but boy are they tough!

The night of the party tho was fabulous! A 1950s theme with so many people that I love and are important in my world! All dressed up in Poodle skirts and petticoats, and a fair number of T Birds and Elvis hairstyles! Food and drinks, conversation and laughter, cake and a speech of sorts… I had a truly lovely night! My friend is the events coordinator and manager at the venue we were at and I have to give her a massive shout out for making it all easy and spectacular! D was also a huge help with all the running round that happens, and then DJ-ing the karaoke machine for me!

But the biggest thank you goes to all of you who are in my world and cheering me on from the sidelines. I have been made to feel loved, supported and spoiled and I appreciate the role that you all play in that. My life doesn’t look at all like I thought it would, but the glimmers and sparks of good things are there and I’m reaching for them with both hands… and so far – albeit only one day in, 50 has been gloriously sparkly!