Happy Easter… I hope you and yours have enjoyed the break and have done something nice with it. Im a bit late with my writing this week, between work and Easter celebrations with family, the time just got away from me!

We celebrated Easter with a big family breakfast, which was really lovely. We didn’t manage to get everyone – a couple of my lot went camping, and some of my siblings had other plans, but we had almost all of them. It was a nice opportunity for my Boys to meet one of D’s kids (the other one was working) and that was really nice too! It’s always such a lovely- if slightly chaotic- thing to spend time with everyone together. The Squish, as you would expect, was the life of the party and thoroughly enjoyed all of the attention!

I had my last shifts in the emergency department this week, and I finished with a run of 4x lates (11pm finish time) which has messed up my sleep patterns a whole lot. They were pretty nice shifts tho, so a good way to finish up. I will be starting back in my substantive role in Maternity on Wednesday, and while I really really enjoyed the variety of emergency work, it will be great to have my weekends back and to work normal hours every day.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend this week and it’s given me some stuff to think about. She acknowledged something that I have said before about feeling awkward and a bit out of place in the group since Claytie died, and followed it with saying that I really shouldn’t because everyone wants me to be happy. It was a really lovely thing for her to say, and probably something I needed to hear.

In the past I have felt quite judged for how I was surviving and processing my new life. Some of that judgement has been real and with big consequences, and some has been my perception. Comments made by people along the lines of ‘I don’t think I could ever date again’ have felt like they implied somehow that I don’t love Claytie enough. They seem to sit with me for a long time and then I question whether I’m grieving the wrong way (I know it’s stupid!). It is reassuring to feel like isn’t the case and that I need to not worry so much.

There is such a weird duality to my life these days – a real split personality thing. In some ways I am living my life as though Claytie was still part of it – I imagine I always will, because how could I not!? – and at the same time I am living a whole new life which is looking better each day. I love getting to do so many new and different, and nothing things with D. We are planning a big trip towards the end of the year which I am super excited for, and I’m looking forward to introducing him to everyone at my Party in a couple of weeks. It is such a lovely feeling having someone who is my new person, and yet there is still a mixture of guilt and happiness all the time. It is an odd way of living.

All things considered tho, I am happy. I wasn’t sure what that would look like in the beginning, and I still struggle with looking too far ahead, but for right now I am letting myself be unapologetically happy.