So, for the last year, I have been working in an area of the hospital that I have always wanted to be in. I love the chaos, carnage and unpredictability of the emergency department – I know, I’m a sicko! It’s been a hugely eye-opening experience, and I have seen a whole lot of things that most people don’t experience, both good and bad…. But I have also had a huge amount of anxiety working here.

Funnily enough, it hasn’t been the patient injuries and illnesses that have been the problem for me, but rather the staff – admin to be precise. They are a very cliquey team and most of them have been in their roles for a very long time. I have made some great connections with a handful of people, but with a team of 35 or so it has felt like an uphill battle. My ‘imposter syndrome’ has been pretty well all encompassing, and I have not felt at home and part of the team in the department since I started.

It’s hard when you feel like an outsider when you start something new, but it’s harder when that feeling doesn’t really go away. Since Claytie died I have had that ‘outsider’ feeling a lot. He was always my cheerleader and voice of reason. I have a whole lot of other people who do that for me too, but his was the voice I trusted most to put an end to the second guessing. Trusting myself and my decision making has not been an easy thing to learn, and I haven’t always got it right, but I’m proud of myself for how far I have come.

I have been on secondment from my role in the Maternity outpatient department for two years now, and I have learned a whole lot of new things, both in a work context as well as about myself. I know now that I can do a whole lot of things that I never thought I could. I have faced change head on and chosen to push myself. My whole life since Claytie died has been an exercise in surviving, and I know I can do it. I have gone way out of my comfort zone in so many areas and it’s been quite empowering.

But, it seems the universe has decided that my secondment days are over, and as of April 1 I’ll be going back to Maternity. Part of me is sad about it – like I said, I have loved the chaos of Emergency, but then the other part of me is excited to go back to a place that has been comfortable to work in for a long time and where I have always felt like a valued part of the team…. And no more night shifts or weekends at work is also a good thing. In someways it does feel like a step back, but then sometimes you have to go backwards to go forwards, and maybe that is what this will be. As Claytie would say “it is what it is” and I’m just going to roll with it and see what comes.