I have recently been ‘arguing’ – if you can call it that, with someone on the internet about a quote that got shared. It went along the lines of society not being fair because of pressure put on grieving people to ‘be more positive’ and ‘finding gratitude’ rather than being allowed to stay sad; and while I absolutely agree that as a whole we don’t do death and grief particularly well in the western world, and that sadness makes people really uncomfortable, I truly believe that positivity and gratitude for what is still around do make the days more bearable.

We all know that life can change in the blink of an eye… good and bad. Obviously for me, my change was enormous! In fact it was probably the biggest one that could ever happen after having my kids. Claytie died with no warning at all. We were in such a good place in our life; the kids were doing well, we had so many plans to travel and we had just had our 25th anniversary. Life was looking sooo good.. and then bang, in the blink of an eye the world that I knew was gone.

It feels like it’s been a super slow journey, in the three and a half years since he has been gone, trying to piece myself back together and figure out what my world looks like now, and I think that the constant work of figuring it out will always be the case for me. I’ve had a wake up call like no other – one that has reinforced how quickly things can and do change. We all know it and say it all the time, but I think until something like this happens to you, it’s all some kind of theory. A hypothetical that happens to other people, and we use it to tell the ‘what if’ horror stories and imagine what we would do ourselves in those situations.

Well the flip side to the bad, nasty, hard blink changes that come are the delightful ones that also come and bring happiness and joy… and I’m so lucky to have had a whole lot of those in my life too. They can be the big and obvious things like my first grandchild and all of the joy that he has brought. I have had travels to places that I have enjoyed tremendously and a whole lot of new and amazing people that have come into my world; but there are also smaller and less obvious things that my day to day life has brought that I’m incredibly grateful for. Im lucky to have a job that I like (even when a 8 hour shift becomes 13 hours to cover sick leave), my kids are doing great things in their lives, and we all have stuff to look forward to! I chose to stand by the fact that positivity and gratitude have made my days not only more bearable, but also happy.

Don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely had gut wrenching sad days, and I know that they will always be part of my life, but I have them because I was lucky enough to have had Claytie as my world for such a long time. The price that we pay for love is grief – such a cliched saying, but true. In lots of ways I’m grateful for my grief because it is a reflection of my love for Claytie. I’m grateful that loving him has paved the foundations for what comes next and i know that trying to embrace the positives is what he would do… after all, it is what it is, I can’t change what has happened and its up to me how I respond to it.