I had some things come up this week around communication and how important it is. A couple of my widowed friends have had hard conversations with the new people in their world that they needed to talk about with some of us in the same position. Things around family introductions – when and how to do it, significant birthdays and how involved new people in their worlds should be and just life stuff made harder with grief…

Sometimes it is really hard to find the words to adequately describe how you feel about your situation. It’s not that you don’t want a new person to be part of things – you really do! But you also don’t want to ‘hurt’ old people in your life with the new. It’s a complicated thing of knowing you’re not doing anything wrong, but feeling judged at the same time. It’s wanting to enjoy all the new things but also being mindful of that being hard for the family of the person who isn’t here anymore. It can be a mine field of hurt without the right communication – and the right communication looks different for everyone.

I have had some of those hard conversations before too, and I find it really difficult to articulate what I’m feeling in a way that makes sense… because to me none of it does make sense. It’s like there is a rational part of my brain that is very clear that Claytie is gone and not coming back. I need to live the best life I possibly can and find happiness in my new life, but then the emotional part of my brain is so attached to him and my old life that it’s almost like being two seperate people at the same time… and trying to find the words to cover all of that can be really hard. Then you have all the other people in your world that have an interest and whose opinions matter.

I have lost significant people in my world since Claytie died because it seems like my looking for happiness was too hard for them. I understand their grief – absolutely I do, I share it – but I also find it hard and unfair that they can’t see what it looks like from my side. I had no choice in my situation and I am doing the best I can with what’s left of my life. I can totally understand why one of my friends who is in a new relationship has reservations about introducing his new person to his in-laws. He doesn’t want to hurt them when their person is gone, but at the same time wants to be proud of the new someone that has brought happiness back to him. – it’s really hard!

I also know that it is easy from the outside to say other people’s opinions don’t matter and shouldn’t count, that you should just do you…. But that is really hard to do when those opinion have always been important before, and when those people are an important connection to your person!

I have no idea of what’s right and wrong in any of this… I’m constantly winging it, but I do know that Claytie would want me to be as happy as I can be – surely it’s what we all want for our person. So that is the advice I have given… do the things that make you as happy as you can be. Be considerate, but put yourself first. You are the one that has to live your life, you know what feels good and you know what is right in your world. We’re all doing the best we can and that has to be enough.