I’ve always had anxiety in one way or another. For me, I think it started when we came to Australia. It was such a big change with so many unknowns for 11 year old me. I changed school 3 times in primary school, and was always the new kid which I hated, and which is something I have written about before. Meeting Claytie gave me a sense of security and safety and settled things down a whole lot. Since he died, that anxiety is back with a vengeance and is a constant presence in my world that I have needed to find a way to live with it.

Mindfulness is something I have been trying to practice since Claytie died. It is not just meditation, although that does help to focus it, but rather it is being aware of each moment and each emotion as they happen and embracing them for what they are. It takes some of the power out of the emotion and is something I try to use around my anxiety – it definitely helps.

It can be hard to slow down and notice things in a busy world. I try to take the time to experience my environment with all of my senses — touch, sound, sight, smell and taste. Sometimes that can be easier said than done, the business of life can absolutely take over, but if you can do it, living in the moment is something that helps. It is about trying to intentionally bringing an open, accepting and discerning attention to everything you do. Finding joy in simple pleasures. Accepting yourself and all of your quirks. Treating yourself the way you would treat a good friend. When you have negative thoughts, trying to sit down, taking a deep breath and closing your eyes. Sitting and breathing for even just a minute can help calm things, and is something I do often, especially at work.

For me, I find that often it’s a case of talking about it out loud too. I acknowledge my anxiety and I try to analyse why I am feeling the way that I am. Sometimes I will go to the worst case scenario and give myself solutions – what should I do/say if this happens, how will I react if that happens, and by doing that I take some of the sting out of it. I have a plan and that makes me feel better. – I do have to say that I don’t often need to use it, but I definitely feel better having it!

Like anything, theory and reality don’t always match up. My brain will often go to all kinds of places before I can coral my thoughts again, but I know that I feel better if I am being mindful. This week marks three and a half years since Claytie died and my body remembered before my brain did. Sometimes emotional anniversaries sneak in and heighten the anxiety, but I’m letting myself sit with it and feel what I need to feel. And just like in those early days it’s one minute and one step at a time, one day at a time… it’s all part of my process, and I will get there.