I had a message from someone quite unexpected this week – one of those ones that comes completely out of left field and leaves a you a little bit perplexed. Why that person and why now? But it was the content of the message that has had me really thinking. They said “I’m glad you found some happiness again Robbie!” – and it has been the thought of finding happiness in the midst of grieving that has occupied my mind.

Staying in the “heaviness” of grief without shifting to some “lightness” is a profoundly uncomfortable way of being. You have to feel the all encompassing weight of the grief – it’s important and anyway, how can you not?! Someone who was my whole life has died. I will miss him forever, and he will always be part of my world, but I remember saying to my mum not long after Claytie died that I didn’t want to be a sad person for the rest of my life. It is not who I am and it is absolutely not who Claytie was.

Finding happiness has been a huge process, and is something that I work on every day. My entire world has changed, both with Claytie dying and with the other losses that circle that crater. The family and friends that have distanced themselves from us and the impact that has had, are things that I wasn’t any more prepared for than I was for Claytie dying. The changes that have happened at work and in my social circle have added to reshaping me as a person. Sometimes this has felt like a constant barrage of loss. It is hard and confusing and unpleasant and sad. It is not something I would wish on anyone else, but it seems to be what happens when your person dies.

I know quite a few people who can’t see past their grief, who are stuck in the ‘why did this happen to me’ loop, unable to get past feeling like a victim of the circumstances that brought them here. I don’t want to be that person – I can’t be, and Claytie wouldn’t let me be, so I work hard to find happiness. Everyday I have a choice to make, and mine is to try to be happy, to find things that bring some light into my world- and that makes it sound easier than it is. Some days it is impossible to pull myself out of the grief hole, but I can’t let myself stay there for too long either.

There is a lot in my world to be happy about and be grateful for. I have amazing kids and a fabulous family who are always there when I need them, but finding happiness can be as simple as a cup of tea in bed before work, or as obvious as a couple of hours with my grand-squish- getting kisses and cuddles and the best smiles in the world. It can be a sunrise at the beach on my own, or a funny conversation with a friend. It can be the excitement of a big trip planned with a new person in my world. Life happens whether you want it to or not – you have no choice in that. What you can choose is how you respond to it.

I chose everyday to respond in a way that I think Claytie would be proud of. I am never going to not miss him and no one could ever take his place, but I have room in my heart for a whole lot of people and experiences and I have room to be happy! There is a hopefulness in finding happiness. A feeling that life can and will be happy again, and that is something that can only come from within. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and look for it. I’m living my life the best way I know how and I’m doing it for both of us…. I’m finding happy.