So I may have mentioned in recent blogs that I have started seeing someone and it has been really, really lovely. The first time we met was for a drink after work – that I very nearly cancelled!

It was a Friday afternoon, I had a million things I was supposed to do and it was raining! My thoughts were that it would be just another bad first date, with no chance of a second. My enthusiasm level was pretty low to be honest, but I figured it was only across the road and I could do a half hour or so! We sat and talked for about three hours that day, have not stopped talking since and it has been great.

We see each other most mornings before work (he works next door to where I work) and share a cuppa.. it’s a really nice way to start the day. We have been to see shows together and have had quiet nights on the couch. I’ve taken him to my favourite spot on the beach and we have more of those days planned. He has met some of my kids and I have met one of his (he has a daughter and a son that are similar ages to my boys). It has been a fabulous time getting to know each other so far, and I’m really enjoying the process.

The other day I got a notification on Facebook that he wanted to update our relationship details and I have to say that I totally freaked out. I’m absolutely happy to say that we are in a relationship, but the Facebook thing threw me for a loop. As much as most of my life is an open book, somehow I’m not a big fan of social media relationship updates – not counting engagements or weddings etc but more the ‘I’ve got a partner’ ones (I hope that makes sense)

Somehow in my head even thinking about such a public post felt like a betrayal of Claytie. It is such a contradictory way to feel- even though I know that I am not doing anything I shouldn’t, and that Claytie would absolutely want me to be happy and living my life to the fullest, he is still such a huge part of me and my life that it just felt wrong. It was an almost visceral reaction, and it is really hard to explain.

It took me a bit of time (and a very teary confused conversation with the fellow in question) to figure out that I absolutely still think of myself as married to Claytie. I know I’m not cheating or doing anything wrong, I know that I’m allowed to move on and find happiness again, albeit it completely differently to how my life was before…but there is still a weird place in my head about what that looks like in the real world and about how fast it goes.

I actually put it to the Widows support group and thankfully had some lovely responses that let me know I’m not the only one to feel that way. I heard from people who have been on this journey for much longer than me (5-10years) and who have re-partnered, who still find themselves confused about their feelings. I’m starting to think that maybe it isn’t so much about a chapter two as much as it is starting a whole new book. Some of the characters are the same, but it is an entirely different story and that takes a whole lot of getting used to.

I guess this is just another case of ‘it is what it is’ and navigating the new. Bumps in the road that tip me off course a little bit and stir up all sorts of feelings. All I can do is keep being honest about what all of this looks and feels like and taking it one day at a time. … and continuing to be grateful for the amazing people in my world that are helping me through it xx