I have had a couple of conversations this week with different people that I found really frustrating and challenging. Mostly I try and just let stuff that I think is pretty ignorant slide – it’s not worth the argument and more often than not people are coming from a place of good will… but sometimes it just pisses me off and I need to vent.

I’m not a poster child for what this grief stuff looks like. All I can do is speak about my experience, and from all of the conversations I have had with a whole bunch of different widowed people, I can tell you that while we have all lost our person, we are all very different in our approach to our loss. Some people sit in their grief bubble for a long time and feel like the world is against them, some have a million regrets and unfulfilled wishes that make this journey so much more difficult for them. Others try to put it to the side and pretend they are ok and socialise constantly so that they are not alone. I know of people that have taken themselves right out of their world and travel to find themselves and to figure out what their new world looks like… there is no right or wrong or one size fits all approach to this stuff.

I think a lot of people in my life look at my situation and automatically try to put me into a sort of victim category, which I hate!! Yes I had something really difficult and awful happen in my world. My husband, the love of my life died way too young, and it has been all kinds of shit; but I don’t chose to see myself as a victim at all. This stuff happens to everyone at some point in their lives, whether it is a parent, spouse, child, family member or friend. The one and only guarantee that we get in life is that it will come to an end. If we are really lucky that ending comes at a ripe old age and with no regrets – but that isn’t part of the guarantee either!

I know that it is human nature to look at someone else’s situation and compare it to your own. We all do that, and often it makes us feel so much better about where we are at. We all do the hypothetical of what if it were me – but I really don’t want to be seen as a victim. I don’t want to be the recipient of comments like ‘poor you’, ‘your life looks so sad’ or ‘omg I feel so sorry for you’. I actually think, all things considered, that I’m doing pretty well with my life, and absolutely I have been so, so lucky! There isn’t a day that I don’t miss or think about Claytie… there never will be, but I certainly don’t feel like a victim and I am absolutely allowed to chose to find things in my new world that bring me happiness.

The other thing that came up through the week and one that I really, really hate, is having my situation compared to a divorce or separation. I haven’t been through either of those, but I can 100% guarantee that the death of your person is in no way like making a conscious decision to change your situation. I had no choice in what happened to us, and in an ideal world I would still be happily with Claytie, planning our retirement and the rest of our lives together.

The things that people see of my world now, the things I share here in this blog , and in general – dating and going out, having adventures and meeting people are for the most part about filling in time and trying to let myself feel ok about what is left of my life. It is in no way better than what I had, it is not a trade off… it is me trying to survive! Yes, I don’t have anyone to answer to about the choices that I make… but I absolutely bloody wish that I did!!

I’m doing the best I can, the only way that I know how… one day at a time, one step at a time. I try and do the things that make me feel ok. I spend time with people that give me positive energy and that boost me. I have had to establish new boundaries and protect my energy from people who drain it. I am much more black and white than I used to be, and I’m ok with it. I’m open about what all of this stuff is like to live with for me, but please, please don’t ever think it is easy, or easier than being with my person!