The other day I was chatting to someone new to my world, and having seen my profile picture they asked me about ‘that photo’. The question was ‘what is it with you and no clothes facing into the unknown’, and I have been thinking about it ever since.

The first photo happened in Malaysia on the balcony of the 57th floor penthouse that my friend and I were staying in at the time. It was incredibly liberating, and happened more or less as a laugh. Since then tho for me, it has become almost a way of anchoring myself. It’s a F@&$ you to the world. It is a ‘come at me’ and an acknowledgement of my vulnerability, of the fact that in the big picture of life, I have absolutely no control over what happens but I’m here to fight for myself anyway.

So many things have happened and changed in my world since Claytie died. Nothing feels the same as it did, even though my brain tells me that all kinds of everyday things should. There is a huge disconnect between who I was and who I am now, and it’s a weird thing to navigate. Often I recognise parts of the old me, but the new me sees the world very differently in a million ways. That photo is not something I would have done – or even thought about doing before Claytie died; but I also feel like the person I am now has not come from nowhere – she must have been in there somewhere!?

There is a kind of recklessness in me now that is new. An acknowledgement that life is short and you have to live it big. It’s about experiences and memories, gratitude and enjoyment, an almost hedonistic outlook that grabs hold and pushes you out of your comfort zone. I have seen similar things in other widowed people that I have met since Claytie died, and while I have only known them without their person and can’t comment on who they were before, that same kind of wildness is in a lot of them now. I don’t know if it’s a ‘newly’ widowed thing!? I know for some people who have known me for a long time, some of my behaviours feel out of character; but for me they often feel like they were always there, but much less, and much more controlled.

I didn’t have to be ‘wild’, because I had Claytie there to balance me and to validate my feelings. I didn’t have to question who I was or what was expected of me, I could just be. It was something that I always took for granted without knowing that that is what it was, because I didn’t know anything different. Now I have to figure out who I am without him, and I think that is something that I will be doing for the rest of my life whether someone new comes into it or not.

I know for sure, in spite of the uncertainty of life that I will keep taking ‘that photo’. I like how it makes me feel. As for everything else, that’s a day by day thing I guess. If things feel good, I’ll have a go and if not then I will re-evaluate. What I do know is that there is no rule book for any of this stuff. Life and all that happen in it is messy. Some times it can be a happy mess and other times it’s an absolute shit show, all I can control is how I respond to it, and ‘that photo’ is one of those responses.