So this weekend, for the second time since Claytie died, I joined nearly 200 other people at Camp Widow. My kids will tell you that it sounds like the most miserable thing a person could do, but for me it has been a game changer!

Coming to camp this year has been a vastly different experience to last year. This year I stayed at the venue, last year I wasn’t brave enough. This year I have a heap of friends to support me, last year I didn’t know anyone. Last years conference sessions were picked randomly, this year I have really thought about what I needed and wanted from the experience. The presenters at the conference are also all widowed which adds impact to what they are teaching/talking about.

Through the First Light Widows Association and Camp, I have met the most amazing group of people. They are kindred spirits because they know how shit the grief journey is. Our stories are all different, but we have a huge thing in common, and that helps enormously. With these people, I can just be me… I’m not anything special because I’m widowed – we all are. We share our stories. We cry together, but more often we laugh! Huge big belly laughs. The humour is incredibly black and dirty, and sarcasm abounds. There a hugs to be had and given, and there is understanding. There is no judgement about tears or anger or any other emotion that comes out to play. Sometimes I give advice and sometimes I need advice. There is always someone to talk with.

This year I have also ‘inspired’ people (and I say that quite tongue in cheek!) .. a lot of people have seen THE photo that I do quite regularly – top off, arms up and wide, facing the world with a big fat F&@$ you…. Well this year at camp, several other widows wanted to be part of that. So after a chat with the official event photographer at the start of camp, he did mention having something else on that day but was easily persuaded when nudity was mentioned haha; 6am Sunday morning we trudged up to the roof top pool area and did our thing! It was nice to see how others enjoyed just how liberating it feels, and it was nice to have so many laughs about it. We are all different shapes and sizes, and yet we are all the same! .. I can’t wait to see the ‘offical’ pictures when they are sent through!

I know that I will have a crash after camp, they talk about it on day one. There are so many emotions to process – both my own and those of others, that it comes as no surprise that there would be an ‘after’. I can already feel it building, and I’m glad I have another couple of days before I go back to work, but the price to pay is well worth it. There have been so many positives for me with both coming to camp and finding this kindred group of people.

What camp has shown me is that the grief doesn’t actually get better, Im just getting better at it. I know when the feelings build what I need to do to get through that moment. I know that whatever I am feeling is ok and part of the process, and I know that it is and will be ok… and if I’m not quite so OK I have a whole community who will lift me through it.