I wasn’t really sure what to write about this week, but here goes… We are in the middle of our big, hard dates – this week makes 3 years since our world changed completely. It would be a simple thing to just get stuck in the grief that brought us. The truth is, that while these big dates do sting and take over everything in a way that is hard to describe, everyday is a hard day without Claytie.

I like to think that he would be proud of all the things that we have overcome since he died. I know that there are a lot of things that he would have a lot to say about – I can just about hear him saying them! I hope he would be smiling at how well we are all doing, and the way the boys and I have pulled together in the last 3 years. I know he would be our biggest cheerleader and so chuffed with his kids and the phenomenal people that they are, and he would absolutely be the very best grandpa to the squishy one.

I am never going to not miss Claytie. He was someone that made an impact, and that impact was felt by everyone who knew him. He was a genuinely fabulous human. It would be really easy for me to slip into a place of ‘why me’ and feel incredibly sad for having lost such an amazing person, but that really wouldn’t be doing anything to honour him. I know how pissed off he would be if I let myself be a victim in all of this. I can hear him saying (louder now than ever before) ‘it is what it is, and you just have to get on with things’.

None of this has been easy. Missing Claytie has been like a blanket thrown over everything else that life has thrown at us, and it feels like there has been a lot; but really, that is life! Everyone has things going on that are challenging, we are no different. Sure there are plenty of down days for me, and I am not taking anything away from them. They are just as important as the happy days, but I am choosing to hang on to the memories that bring me joy and make me smile, and I am doing that because that is who Claytie was.

We had so many adventures and happy times, and they absolutely outnumber anything negative. I am so very happy that I got to have him in my world for as long as I did, and that my kids have had the most awesome dad! So in the spirit of that, the boys and I are doing our very best to live life to the fullest. Certainly everything I do has a huge piece of Claytie attached to it. I am traveling and having adventures. I am meeting all kinds of people and doing a whole lot of the things that we had talked about. I am getting through each day finding things to be grateful for and I am always aware of how lucky I have been.