This week has been a weird, yucky one for me – a pity party in a million ways. One of those weeks where I don’t much like myself, and get stuck wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. I spend a lot of time in my head over analysing everything and it is an uncomfortable way to be.

I was sitting in the bath the other day, thinking about a conversation with one of the boys. I had been talking to him about how lonely I get. I have friends that I call on and talk to, but they are not always around or available when I need – and I totally understand that. They have their own lives to live and I get it… I also envy it. They have what I should have… what I did have! I can find things to fill in my time, but it is sad on my own and it feels like I am counting down each day- only I don’t know what I’m counting down for!… most days I feel like I have nothing to really look forward to, except for more time on my own.

I know exactly what I want… and I know that I can never have it. I want what I had with Claytie. I want my old life back just the way it was. Anything else with anyone else feels like a really poor imitation. I feel detached from everything and am just going through the motions. I don’t know what else I am looking for or what I will be happy with, but I do know that I haven’t yet found it. Maybe I won’t ever find it… and that’s a hard, sad thought too.

I find myself compromising, and accepting a lot more from situations than I should. I feel like I am way too accomodating and put myself last in a whole lot of ways. I recognising it while it is happening, and I know I should value myself more than I do, but loneliness is such a harsh thing to live with and sometimes crumbs feel better than nothing.

I hear the advice that everyone gives, and I would say the same thing to anyone else – put yourself first, don’t rush things, learn to value your own company, don’t accept second best- but right now, I am living this and I can tell you it’s shit. The loneliness can be overwhelming and all encompassing, and really hard to see past, so you accept less than you should from people just to feel something.

On a good day I can distract myself with all kinds of things, but the highs don’t really last and the lows are pretty deep. I get sick of myself complaining, and I try to remind myself how truly lucky I have been – I honestly know it and believe it too – but when it’s just me on my own that can get hard to hang onto.

The thing is, I really don’t know what I want from my life anymore. I constantly feel overwhelmed by everything and it’s nasty and unpleasant feeling like this. It’s not who I want to be and I hate it, but I have no choice other than to keep going. In lots of ways it feels selfish to want more, because what I had was so amazing and maybe that’s all I’m allowed to have… but really I don’t want to be this alone for the rest of my life!

Anyway…. That’s been miserable me this week. I know the anxiety around work hasn’t helped either. Shift work has been kind of brutal – and I know I’m always more anxious when I am tired. It’s hard being the new person, learning a whole bunch of new stuff and trying to fit into a team that have worked together for a long time. They are hard nuts to crack, and there is a lot to learn, but I know I’m getting there and I’m sure next week will be better all round. Fingers crossed in any case!